life is like a flaming fag

dave makes me think maybe i won't die alone.......i love him so much, i think maybe sometimes it might be too much, it scares me...because i think......what if he just gets sick of me, what if he decides one day, hey, i dont love her any more.

 

 

and the funny thing is, he said that to me.....he is afraid that i will just get sick of him.....but i dont think that i can, i dont think that it is possible...i cant get enough of that boy!

 

gerr, i love him sooooo much

dave makes me think maybe i won't die alone.......i love him so much, i think maybe sometimes it might be too much, it scares me...because i think......what if he just gets sick of me, what if he decides one day, hey, i dont love her any more.

 

 

and the funny thing is, he said that to me.....he is afraid that i will just get sick of him.....but i dont think that i can, i dont think that it is possible...i cant get enough of that boy!

 

gerr,

so i have spent 5 nights in my apartment....and i have been unpacking and cleaning and all that jazz


o man do i feal like a house wife......greg has been off at work, and i have been cleaning and cooking and calling him to see when he is going to be home......

..its nice having some time off of work.....but o man does it make me go crazy...i was actuially considering going in to  work for a few hours the other day....just for the heck of it.....but its back to work today.


...so i purchased some furniture HOM.....and the gave me the glass for the 2 end tables and the coffee tabe .....and they gave me the love seat and the couch....but not the actual tables.......i have the  glass but nothing to set it on.....so scott and i had to go back to HOM and get it...but they didn't have it..so greg is goig to have to pick that up today ....i have no tables....gerrr but what ever



and yesterday i went to IKEA with my sister, dad, greg and i......spent too much $$$  there....and so did greg, we have a tv as of  yesterday, greg got a 32in LCD screan tv....and thats one reason why we went to ikea....so we could have somehting to put it in....along with getting lamps, night stands and a rug.......


i know all of this is probibly boring....but o well, i think it is fun

so i am in love with nancy sinatra.........for the record



....im so excited about moving and making this new place a home......


but at the same time, i am going to miss living with my mommy and sister...



....i hate how you dont thing about the down falls untill it is too late......



...i mean, it wouldnt be that bad........living with my mom, but at the same time it is....


i dont know...it is probibly just me being nervis......i mean, new things and such.... but i love grey dearly and wouldnt want to live with any one els.....other than maybe scott.......

.....but i think it would kill me any time he brought a girl home....so that wouldn't work... greg bringing boys home is much better



i am so excited about my 5 days off its not funny ....i have not has that sort of time off sence i was ...well 14....crazy i know....but if you think about it i have had a job sense that age and i have had schoo till last year and well i started working full time then.......so its been a long long time



good stuff...

i know i have not posted anything in a long time....

....so im going to be moving out as of tomorrow.......agin that is......i mean i have moved out of my parents befor, and then i moved back in.......and now im moving out again.....i hope for good....


....i mean not that i dont love my mom, and i dont mind living wth her.....i would juts prefer to have my own space.



......on a nother note.....scott, gerr........i dated him for 2 years (first 2 years of high school) and that was bout 4 years ago now.......so i have known the kid for about 7 all together (he was friends with my older sister befor we ever dated)...and well recently  i think a spark or something came back....because even after we broke up in highschool we never stoped being friends.......and well we decided to start dating a gain about 2 weeks ago....and about 1 week ago he decided he didnt want to

...his reasoning...........he "wants to be with me" he just thinks that if we dated right now that it wouldn't lead to anything.......and i guess he would want to date me with the idea in his head of some day making me his wife......so he thinks we should hold off for a wile.........i can see wre he is coming from......but come on...


this is my translation of  what he told me ........i like you and i want to be with you forever "someday" ...but right now i just want to be a man whore.....and that is that.....


........is that an odd thing to think?....am i wrong in interperating it that way?

so it has been a long long time sense i have posted a blog here..

...
.
.
....lafe has been so crazy for the past about 4 months, with tons of work and trying to quit drinking, nd relationmships sucking hard core...i guess i just havent made the time to write here

so i have not put anything on this in a lonnnnnnnnnng time.......

i dont know,

yeah....
   

people are like food, having too much of the same thing can get old, and somtimes things just go bad

errrg ... i like a boy, and he likes me, but sometimes it doesent seem so, and i hate it 

what ever...boyz are lame, but awesome at the same time    

i am pissed...okay, not pissed....lets just say let down.
i got droped off by a certin someone, and well i wanted him to stay, but he had obligations to other people, and not to me, because i cant be seen as an obligation, cuz really he never should have kissed me if he wants to keep his job. h edroped me off, and after he left i cryed...like a fucking baby, i cryed, i wanted him to stay....but he didnt. and that upset me...he just left. and that is that and her i am  and i hate myself for it.

again i am alone, as usuial, and i dont know my feeling on it at the moment. it could go either way really....it is really a toss up, i could be compleatly fime and okay with it, rather enjoying it.......or i could be miseable that i am spending another night alone....havent decided yet.

this song is so good, and sums up pretty much what im feeling

It’s dark in here, visions are flashing into my head
as I reminisce my reoccurring dreams and you said,
“I’m falling, falling for you babe and
my feelings are getting stronger”
so why don’t you stay with me for a little longer…
come here boy, ah ah, come here boy
come here boy, ah ah, come here boy

I know that my face is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes and I can tell by your body heat
why are you taking so long?
you need me to come and find me, honey
to set your mind at rest, and let your dreams run free
come here boy, ah ah, come here boy
come here boy, ah ah, come here boy

you know I’m no stranger in your dreams...
oh right now, I’m craving and I’m howling, I’m begging and I’m pleading
be mine tonight, oh yeah
oh and I’m waiting and I’m dying, I’m wanting and I’m needing
to show you this night oh yeah,
where I’ll be touching and holding, caressing and giving you
every fantasy, yeah
I’ve got you dreaming and lusting, I’m burning and praying
for more of this ecstasy

come here boy, ah ah, come here boy
come here boy, ah ah, come here boy yeah

there are 2 men in my life as of now, my brand new puppy chino....who wont fall a sleep with out me and the man i wish would sleep next to me.....

......i think that is what i like about Chino  though, he cant sleep with out me, and the man on the other hand, does, and i understand the boy (chino) but i dont understand the man. he calls me, texts me, comes over, holds my hand and takes me out all the time, but at the same time, things are more complicated than nesisairy, and thats prevents him from sleeping next to me, and i resent that fact.

he called me up 2 nights a go and asked if i wanted to go for a car ride,  and i agreed, we went out to a nature reserve, and sat under a pavillian wile it raind, thunderd and lightninged out, i we kissed for the first time, and it started to poor, it was the perfect "movie screen" first kiss....and he came over tonight and just held my hand, yet he texted me a bajillion times between then and now, and we hung out yesterday and he huged me and kissed my forhed and neck, but he stays away from the lips, mainly because its not okay for us to be anything, because he would be my manager......but it sitll kills.....
.....the thing i have lernd from this though is that it would be much easier if all of our affections would be satisfied by the love that you get from a dog

errrg.... i miss him and he isint even mine....i hate it

i dont understan why we like who we like...and by we...


.....i mean me.....

i like some one who is my manager and 10 years older than me.....


....he is so sweet...and so nice,

...funny..i can be myself around him, because i have been bulshiting with him for the past 2 years,

...and was never any one but myself around him.....nothing is hapening between us...

....cuz he could lose his job.....but he is still so sweeet....

...ex: i dont have a car at the present time so he has been giving me rides home...

....and the other night he wasent working and i was sick so i wanted to leave early, and i couldnt get a hold of any one els to give me a ride...so he wa slike i can stop by and give you a ride home...so i was excited, and i thought he was doing stuff around town and wasent far from work, but no he drove frome home just to pick me up and bring me home....he lives like 25 min away from work.....

and he invited me out to lunch one day...and i was expecting to pay for myself.....but he wouldnt let me...and then 2 days a go when i was still sick, he went and got me cold meds to take, cuz i didnt have brake for another hour......and yesterday i asked him if he would want to meat me for lunch after he was done with class and befor we both worked, and i met him there..at the sub place, and he asked me what i was going to get, and i dold him...he was infront of me in line...orderd for me, payed...and refused to let me pay him back...
....he opens doors for me, hugs me amazingly...smells awesome..and yeah

...im so lame

i dont understan why we like who we like...and by we...


.....i mean me.....

i like some one who is my manager and 10 years older than me.....


....he is so sweet...and so nice,

...funny..i can be myself around him, because i have been bulshiting with him for the past 2 years,

...and was never any one but myself around him.....nothing is hapening between us...

....cuz he could lose his job.....but he is still so sweeet....

...ex: i dont have a car at the present time so he has been giving me rides home...

....and the other night he wasent working and i was sick so i wanted to leave early, and i couldnt get a hold of any one els to give me a ride...so he wa slike i can stop by and give you a ride home...so i was excited, and i thought he was doing stuff around town and wasent far from work, but no he drove frome home just to pick me up and bring me home....he lives like 25 min away from work.....

and he invited me out to lunch one day...and i was expecting to pay for myself.....but he wouldnt let me...and then 2 days a go when i was still sick, he went and got me cold meds to take, cuz i didnt have brake for another hour......and yesterday i asked him if he would want to meat me for lunch after he was done with class and befor we both worked, and i met him there..at the sub place, and he asked me what i was going to get, and i dold him...he was infront of me in line...orderd for me, payed...and refused to let me pay him back...
....he opens doors for me, hugs me amazingly...smells awesome..and yeah

...im so lame

i love how when you little everything seems amazing, why the sky is so blue, why birds can fly and we cant, why fish can stay under water and never come up for air.
i remember when simple things like catching a frog made your day, or waching sat. morning cartoons was soo cool. footie pajamas and spoons with rocketships on the handel made you soo much sweeter.
i remember when cooties were contagious and the boogie man was under your bed.
i liked it how every day was an adventure and making a fort would pass the time like crazy and you never wanted to go to bed, brush your teeth or take a bath.
 i wish things were still like that

i think my noes mite be broken, i guess i got charged with 3 hit and runs last night, also resisting arest. im such a fucking retard, i dont know why my noes i all swalen, but it is and i woke up at my moms house. i only had one drink last night but it was pretty close to pure vodka. i went to jail, dont rmember much of it...other than one cop was a jerk and one was no, and there was a nice lady there, but other than that i dont remember anything. my mom told me i tryed to jump out of the car on the way hime, but i dont remambet that. i am a worthless pice of ...i dontknow what i am a worthless pice of. but i am.......i feel like shit, i think my nose is broken, and i cant do anything about it, we (my mom and i) dont know weremy car is, and that has my check card, my social card and my id in it, so im hoping to get that back soon. im such a low life form i donteven know